*names changed

In the interviews I carried out, the changes in the relationship during their childhood vs. now, nothing changed dramatically. In interviewing Ken*, the points of change in the relationship with his parents changed first when his dad left, and second when his siblings moved out. Before his dad left when he was five, he was closer with his dad than he was with his mom, because she was the rule-maker and his dad was just there to hang out. Left with his mom and siblings, Ken automatically readjusted to center around them. The relationship between him and his mom grew stronger, and he has a continuously growing respect for her since that point. My focus will be on Ken’s mother during the interview because he doesn’t know much about his father.

In my second interview with Audrey*, I learned that she has for the most part, gotten along with her parents continuously with minimum fights. She told me that she has always had a deep respect for her parents, and is constantly concerned of what they think of her for fear of disappointment. As a child Audrey was intimidated by her parents so she never wanted to do anything wrong. As she became a teenager, she wanted to try things, even if her parents didn’t like it. The is the point where the relationship with her parents changed, because they realized that they taught her all that they could and now she is on her own and should learn the rest for herself.

Comparing the relationship I have with my parents to those of my two interviewees, I’d say it’s different, but along the same lines in terms of American culture. For reasons unknown, possibly because we spend less time together due to him working, the relationship I have with my dad has changed very little. Though I would say we are on good terms. On the other hand, the relationship I have with my mom has changed dramatically. While my dad works, my mom takes care of us and the property; this means I spent the majority of my time with her. I knew her as the rule-maker, the one who carried out punishments, and during my childhood and early teenage years I hated her. Then, around the end of my sophomore year in high school, she started giving me more freedom for no apparent reason. This completely transformed our relationship. We grew a deep respect for each other’s feeling and opinions. A year before, I got angry at her for saying anything, even something nice; now I confide in her with things I can’t share with anyone else.

I asked Ken whether he went through any form of teenage rebellion. If yes, then was violent or subtle, such as disagreement or annoyance with his parents? He replied that he’s always been “chill” with his mom; he never really acted out or changed dramatically. He said that when his siblings moved out there was a bit more pressure. Before they moved out, the attention was never directly on him, and compared to his brothers and sisters, he was the “angel”. It was an uncomfortable change for him that led to more disagreements with his mom, but nothing serious.

As far as she knows, Audrey claims that the only “teenage rebellion” she experienced was beginning to try new things that seemed interesting but were against her parents morals or judgment. Because Audrey respects her parents so much, she wouldn’t do anything catastrophically damaging to hurt her families’ reputation or disappoint her parents. To her, defying her parents meant wearing nail polish when they didn’t think she was of age.

My teenage rebellion was a game of trying to piss off my mom. Though it was mainly focused around my mom, my dad was constantly in her defense, getting furious at me for causing my mom pain. My mom and I argued and yelled at each other constantly. I disagreed with everything she said even when I knew she was right, and was incredibly stubborn. I know that all I wanted was to get a rise out of her, because when I said something that actually hurt her, the guilt I felt was colossal.

Ken’s grandparents were far stricter raising their children than his mom is on him. Ken’s mom got the belt from her dad when she misbehaved and her mother was no less strict. It would be less easy to adopt these actions because times have changed and physical violence looked down upon in most parts of the states. However, even if they weren’t, Ken’s mom told him that she didn’t like how she was raised and that she knew as a child that it wasn’t the way she wanted to bring up her children.

For Audrey, good morals are of upmost importance in her family. Her dad always tells her about when he was a boy; he never partied, disobeyed his parents, had good morals, and grew up proper. His mother used words to scare her children into doing the right thing. Audrey says he has definitely incorporated how he grew up into the way he raised her, giving the example that he calls and lectures her on morals every other day. Guilt was a motivator for both herself and her father as a child, because when you got in trouble, “it wasn’t that you were grounded and couldn’t go out, it was that ‘oh they’re mad at me, I shouldn’t go out’”.

            Along with a few good recipes my parents adopted a lot of my grandparents’ guidelines for raising kids. My dad’s mom, Jan, was a very passive mother who believed that disputes between children should be left to play out on their own. My grandma on my mom’s side, who we called Oma, was the exact opposite in that she thought rules and punishments were very important in keeping the kids from fighting. Oma believed fighting to be misbehaving, while Grandma Jan believed it’s necessary for kids to go through. When it comes to sibling quarrels between my brother and I, my mom is the one to put a bar of soap in our mouths or give us a time out. My dad agrees with the punishment, but is quick to give us time to let it play out before my mom intervenes.

The family unit contains the most closely intertwined people in a society. Most families in America only see each other for a few hours each day, especially on weekdays. One or both of the parents has to work, and the child attends school five days of the week, with possible leisure or extra-curricular activities on the weekends. With most work/school days ending at five and most kids going to bed at ten, a five hour window is given for parents to spend with their children if desired.

Not only are parents away from their children the majority of their lives, but new people are introduced to the family to replace the absence of the child’s parents. Babysitters come in handy when parents aren’t available to do the job, and some wealthy families hire nannies which almost replace the “role” of the mother for the child. A good friend of mine in high school sees her parents for about two hours every day. On top of that, her siblings are grown and moved out. She comes home every day to an empty house. Without knowing her, I would have thought any child in that situation would be clinically depressed with other problems. However, this is not the case with her, and she actually enjoys coming home and having time to herself. Of course there are things I don’t know about her, but for the most part we were very open with each other, and through sharing thoughts and feelings I found that we were surprisingly alike. It’s hard to believe, because my family life is so different from hers. My mom does everything in her power to make our family as close knit as possible, and we spend as much time together as possible. In the sense that children in our society must become independent, it might be good that children are raised having little time with their parents, so they are prepared to support themselves and live on their own at a relatively young age.

Most families elsewhere in the world stay together for the remainder of their lives, unless separated by marriage. In America, most children are separated from their families at age 18 to go to college, get a job, travel, etc. It is very rare to see a child after that age being welcome in their home that isn’t pursuing one of the above. American society promotes that children become independent at or around the age of 18, and to not rely too heavily on their relatives for support after that. After this independence, the child is expected to look after their parents when they are elderly. American parents stress over the fact that they sacrifice so much for their children, and that the child is obligated to take care of them in old age. In the Ju/Wasi culture, it is the polar opposite. The parents have no need for their children in old age because they have enough food and others to take care of them.

Along the lines of teenage rebellion and respect, the average American child does not completely respect their parents. It is often desired by the parent and they might attempt to enforce it but with ineffective results, known as “teenage rebellion”. In China, respect is of upmost importance concerning the father and son relationship. If a Chinese son were to go through this teenage rebellion and direct it towards his father, it would have catastrophic results.