Relations
between children and their parents
Blog 1
The differences in the relationships between children and their parents
fascinate me. Going to friends’ houses when I was young, I was astonished at how
differently my friends treated their parents and how their parents treated
them. While some of my friends couldn’t talk back to their parents without
getting a bar of soap in their mouths or a timeout, others flat out scream at
their parents with no consequences. Some Moms coddled their kids, being at
their beck and call well into their senior year of high school. Others put
heavy responsibility on their kids to take care of themselves at a young age. I
am interested in learning about the current relationships between parent and
child of the families I interview, but also about the history of the
relationships.
I’ve learned through the relationship I have with my parents that things
can change drastically over time, which leads to the next area I want to study.
How have parental relations with their children changed over time?
Strengthened? Weakened? Did the children get along better with their parents at
a younger or older age? What changed to alter the perspective and attitude of
the children and/or the parents?
Teenage rebellion is common and almost justified in our culture, as shown
through the media in movies and TV shows. Most parents see it as just another
stage every child goes through. I know my mom did and she says to this day that
she knows I didn’t mean any of what I said; it’s just something teenagers “go”
through. I plan to interview at least three people to see if they all experienced
this, how the experienced it, and how each situation differs from one another.
Finally, I am interested in how the relationship between the parents’ and
their parents affects how they treat their own children. When the kids have
their own children when they grow up, the clearest example they have on how to
treat them comes from their parents. I want to see if there are generational
patterns affecting the actions of the parents.
Blog 2:
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The family unit is the closest group of people in society. Most families
in America only see each other for a few hours each day, especially on
weekdays. One or both of the parents has to work, and the child attends school
five days of the week, with possible leisure or extra-curricular activities on
the weekends. With most work ending at five or later and most kids going to bed
at ten, a five hour window is given for parents to spend with their children.
A good friend of mine in high school sees her parents for about two hours
every day. On top of that, her siblings are grown and moved out. She comes home
every day to an empty house. Without knowing her, I would have thought any
child in that situation would be clinically depressed with other problems.
However, this is not the case with her, and she actually enjoys coming home and
having time to herself. My mom does
everything in her power to make our family as close knit as possible, and the
free time we do have is spent together, even if we’re doing individual things
but in the same room. It’s possible that she could be keeping something from
me, but it doesn’t seem like it, and I was surprised to find out how alike we
are with such differences concerning parenting. In the sense that children in
our society must become independent, it might be good that children are raised
having little time with their parents, so they are prepared to support
themselves and live on their own at a relatively young age.
Most families elsewhere in the world stay together for the remainder of
their lives, unless separated by marriage. In America, most children are
separated from their families at age 18 to go to college, get a job, travel,
etc. It is very rare to see a child after that age being welcome in their home
that isn’t pursuing one of the above. American society pushes children to become
independent at or around the age of 18, and to not rely too heavily on their
relatives for support after that. Children are expected to look after their
parents in old age, either financially, physically or both. American parents
stress over the fact that they sacrifice so much for their children, and that
the child is obligated to take care of them in old age. In the Ju/Wasi culture,
it’s the opposite. The parents have no need for their children in old age
because they have enough food and others to take care of them.
Along the lines of teenage rebellion and respect, it’s common for the average
American child to disrespect their parents, if not publicly then in private. When
parents lose their authoritative demeanor but continue to enforce rules on a
child (by that time, more likely a teenager), the results tend to be
ineffective, or met with hostility, known as the “teenage rebellion”. In China,
respect is of upmost importance concerning the father and son relationship
especially. If a Chinese son were to go through this teenage rebellion and
direct it towards his father, it would have catastrophic results.
Blog 3:
Saturday, March 24, 2012
*names
changed
I interviewed three people my age, and because it was difficult to get in
touch with some of their parents, the interviews all took place through the
eyes of the children of the family. The first person interviewed was Ken* who
lived alone with his mom before moving to Humboldt. When he was young, he was
closer with his dad than he was with his mom, because she was the rule-maker
and his dad made everything fun. After his dad left, the relationship between
him and his mom grew stronger, and he grew a lot of respect for her. In Ken’s interview,
the focus will be more on his mom because he doesn’t know much about his
father.
In my second interview with Audrey*, I learned that she has for the most
part, gotten along really well with her parents. She told me that she has
always had a deep respect for her parents, and is constantly concerned of what
they think of her for fear of disappointment. As a child Audrey was intimidated
by her parents so she never wanted to do anything wrong. As she became a
teenager, she developed a curiosity to try things, even if her parents didn’t
like them. It was during the time that the relationship with her parents
changed most. They realized that they had taught her all that they could and that
from then on she was on her own in the choices she made.
For reasons unknown, possibly because we spend less time together due to
him working, the relationship I have with my dad has changed very little. On
the other hand, the relationship I have with my mom has changed dramatically.
While my dad works, my mom takes care of us and the property; this means I
spent the majority of my time with her. I knew her as the rule-maker, the one
who carried out punishments, and during my childhood and early teenage years I
hated her. Then, around the end of my sophomore year in high school, she
started giving me more freedom for no apparent reason. This completely
transformed our relationship. We grew a deep respect for each other’s feeling
and opinions. A year earlier, I would get angry at her for saying anything,
even something nice; now I confide in her with things I can’t share with anyone
else.
I asked Ken whether he went through any form of teenage rebellion. If yes,
then was it violent or more along the lines of disagreement or annoyance with
his parents? He replied that he’s always been “chill” with his mom; he never
really acted out or changed dramatically. He said that when his siblings moved
out there was a bit more pressure. Before they moved out, the attention was
never directly on him, and compared to his brothers and sisters, he was the
“angel”. It was an uncomfortable change for him that led to more disagreements
with his mom, but nothing serious.
As far as she knows, Audrey claims that the only “teenage rebellion” she
experienced was beginning to try new things that seemed interesting but were
against her parents morals or judgment. Because Audrey respects her parents so
much, she wouldn’t do anything catastrophically damaging to hurt her families’
reputation or disappoint her parents. To her, defying her parents meant wearing
nail polish when they didn’t think she was of age.
My teenage rebellion was a game of trying to piss off my mom. Though it
was mainly focused around my mom, my dad was constantly in her defense, getting
furious at me for causing my mom pain. My mom and I argued and yelled at each
other constantly. I disagreed with everything she said even when I knew she was
right, and was incredibly stubborn. I know that all I wanted was to get a rise
out of her, because when I said something that actually hurt her, the guilt I
felt was colossal.
Ken’s grandparents were far stricter raising his mom than his mom was on
him. Ken’s mom got the belt from her dad when she misbehaved and her mother was
no less strict. It would be less easy to adopt these actions because times have
changed and physical violence looked down upon in most parts of the country.
Ken’s mom told him that she didn’t like how she was raised and that she knew as
a child that it wasn’t the way she wanted to bring up her children.
For Audrey, having good morals is of upmost importance in her family. Her
dad always tells her about when he was a boy; he never partied, disobeyed his
parents, had good morals, and grew up proper. His mother used words to scare
him and his siblings into doing the right thing. Audrey says he has definitely
incorporated how he grew up into the way he raised her. She says that he’s
constantly calling her, giving lectures on morals. Guilt was a motivator for
both herself and her father as a child, because when you got into trouble, “it
wasn’t that you were grounded and couldn’t go out, it was that ‘oh they’re mad
at me, I shouldn’t go out’”.
My parents adopted a lot of my grandparents’ guidelines for raising kids.
My dad’s mom, Jan, was a very passive mother who believed that disputes between
children should be left to play out on their own. My grandma on my mom’s side,
who we called Oma, was the exact opposite in that she thought rules and
punishments were very important in keeping the kids from fighting. Oma believed
fighting to be misbehaving, while Grandma Jan believed it a necessary part of
growing up. When it comes to sibling quarrels between my brother and I, my mom
is the one to put a bar of soap in our mouths or give us a time out. My dad
agrees with the punishment, but is quick to give us time to let it play out
before my mom intervenes.
Blog 4:
Saturday April 14, 2012
I admit I
had a few expectations on what the results of my interviews would be. I thought
that the majority of the people I interviewed would have gone through personal
and relationship altering teenage rebellion such as mine. But the two other
people I interviewed seemed to have very minor changes or no changes at all
during their teenage years.
While I
thought that the grandparents’ ways of raising their children would be passed
down and practiced by their children on their grandchildren, it turns out that
the children often did the opposite of their parents in raising their own kids.
While I liked that we were all different in our stories and lives, I wish I had
time to interview a greater number of people with a higher diversity. I also
wish I could have interviewed the parents, the grandparents,, and maybe even a
few of their siblings.
MLA
Citations
Spradley,
James, and Davis W. McCurdy. Conformity and Conflict: Readings in Cultural
Anthropology. 13. New
Jersey: Pearson Education Inc., 2009. Print.
Robbins,
Richard H., and First . Cultural ANTHRO. Belmont, CA: Cengage Learning, 2012.
Print.
